the dope cactus

Whoever said life is a bitch ain’t never lied. But grief is an even bigger bitch. This past year I’ve been trying to find inner-peace & happiness. For those of you who don’t know my mom/best friend passed away from pancreatic cancer in July 2015. My life hasn’t been the same since. Fortunately with the help of a few friends letting me crash at their place, I was able from Houston back to Austin to seek better opportunities professionally & creatively. After working a few temp & part-time gigs I finally landed a full-time job in downtown Austin with…wait for it…benefits!

I had been wanting to see a therapist for the longest but I was broke (still am actually). And the therapist I found actually doesn’t take my insurance but we made it work. I saw my therapist last Monday & I was literally having THE best day ever right? I’m telling her about my life even after a split from a guy I briefly dated who I guess I wasn’t that into. I was sad about it & the situation but I got over it quick. I told her how I sat in my car one day after getting home & just sat & watched some fireflies. I had never seen fireflies before. I was amazed.

Later that night I decided I’d get myself some fried chicken. A friend shoots me a text. I read it. Then re-read it & I’m baffled. I couldn’t believe what it said & I also couldn’t believe someone texted me the news instead of calling. My dear friend/sister/ex-boss had unexpectedly passed away. I felt like someone was squeezing all the happiness & joy out of my heart. How could this happen on my best day ever? How could this happen at all?

I’m still coming to the realization that when I visit Houston I won’t be able to pop up at her place anymore to go grab dinner & drinks. And thinking about not being able to see her anymore made me think about not being able to see my mom anymore. I could feel myself slipping back into the dark place I worked so hard to get myself out of. And I’m still a work in progress but I wanted to share a few ways I’ve dealt with grief after the loss of a loved one.

Keep A Journal
Journaling had allowed me to express myself when I couldn’t find the right words to express myself at certain times. I can right about all the bad things I’m feeling & thinking in my head. But I also use my journal to write down things I’ve accomplished & what I like about myself. Sometimes I might just do a little doodle. Something about hitting that pen to the paper that just lets all my emotion come out.

Change Your Scenery
One thing I’m bad about is isolating myself. And there’s nothing wrong with that unless you’re continuously throwing yourself a pity party or thinking about harming yourself. You don’t have to go out & be around a whole bunch of people. It can something as simple as checking the mail. Hell I tend to move when life starts to get the best of me in a certain place.

Seek Therapy
Therapy can be expensive but there are a ton who operate on sliding scales. What’s that mean? You pay what you can afford. They know the struggle is real out here for us. And they truly want to help you heal not make you go broke trying. You can even do group therapy if someone you know or a family member is dealing with the same types of issues or if you guys have something you can’t seem to work out on your own.

Practice Mindfulness
I use to think mindfulness was the big thing I’d never master. I thought only monks & nuns could touch the hem of mindfulness. Well I was wrong. My therapist pointed out that I’ve been practicing mindfulness by enjoying nature more & not constantly being in a hurry. I never really thought of these things as mindfulness. Meditation helps too. And there’s apps for all of that! I love the Stop, Breath & Think & Tide apps (I actually have a group of apps titled ‘Mindfulness’).

Read A Book
Books brought me so much joy as a child & they still do. I just got so caught up in adulting that I hadn’t really made time to read for pleasure. But I’ve started back & although I know my problems won’t magically go away while reading it does help me to better process my feelings. Right now I’m reading Becoming & her fond memories of childhood & her mother often make me smile because I begin to reminisce as well. Thinking about my mom would instantly make me tear up but now I can crank out a smile or two.

Look At Old Pictures
Now this is the toughest one for me. But the more I go through old pictures the more I can tell that I’ve healed. If I can see my lost ones as I remembered them instead of focusing on their absence then I no longer have to fight back tears. Pictures are really worth so much more than words.

Cry
Last but not least I encourage you to cry. If you don’t you’ll turn into a grump. Crying is apart of the healing process. It’s a natural occurrence of life. Like breathing. Or eating. You wouldn’t not do those things right? So why wouldn’t you cry. This goes for men too. I don’t like crying in front of people but shit if I can’t hold back the tears it’s going to happen. Cry it out. It helps.

I’m sure I’ll be sharing more with you about grief & other things nobody prepared us for as adults. It’s just something I’ve had to figure out on my own. One thing I do know is that the pain of losing a loved one never goes away. We just have to learn the best coping mechanism that works for us & keep it moving.

I want to hear from you. If you have any suggestions for myself or other readers out there dealing with grief I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below or email me at info@thedopecactus.com.